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Poll #1861002 How being married multiple times effects a person.

How many times have you been married?

1
0(0.0%)
2
0(0.0%)
3
0(0.0%)
4
1(100.0%)
5
0(0.0%)
more than 5 times
0(0.0%)

Do you consider yourself religious?

yes
1(100.0%)
no
0(0.0%)
agnostic
0(0.0%)
atheist
0(0.0%)

Do you grieve over your failed marriages?

yes
1(100.0%)
no
0(0.0%)

Would you marry again? (if currently not married)

yes
1(100.0%)
no
0(0.0%)

If you have children from previous marriage, how soon would you introduce a new person to them?

second date
0(0.0%)
after 3 dates
0(0.0%)
after 5 or more dates
0(0.0%)
not until it got serious
1(100.0%)

Did you come from a broken home?

yes
0(0.0%)
no
1(100.0%)

Do you still believe in love?

yes
1(100.0%)
no
0(0.0%)
skeptical
0(0.0%)

What is the best advice you would give a young person who is just starting to date?

How long would you advise waiting before getting into another relationship after one has ended?

immediately
0(0.0%)
one month
0(0.0%)
three months
0(0.0%)
six months
0(0.0%)
one year
1(100.0%)
year and a half
0(0.0%)
three years
0(0.0%)
more than three years
0(0.0%)

Do you believe in the Biblical definition of marriage and the guidelines that it gives in the Bible for dating?

yes
1(100.0%)
no
0(0.0%)
My daughter recently said, "I'm tired of it." referring to my revolving door relationships. I know I've put her through a lot, and I really should have been more careful. But what do I do now that the damage is done? I've been looking at several options:
1.) Don't date.
2.) Don't bring dates home.
3.) Don't date.
4.) Don't talk about dates incessently. Be a woman of few words (it keeps them guessing!).
5.) Don't date.
6.) Don't 'project' about the outcome of any particular relationship.
7.) Don't date.
8.) Don't mention going out to my mother (mom has Alzheimer's and can't be trusted to not repeat things at the most inopportune moments! lol).
9.) Don't date.
10.) Make no commitments for 3-7 years (the length of time it will take to get my daughter settled, who is a sophmore in high school, and through college as well. But mostly wait through high school, at least.

Did I mention that I probably shouldn't date? LOL
My daughter knows that I've been married twice before her dad, and that they were alcoholics. She also experienced the anquish of my marriage to her dad, who on her birth (we had been married 5 years) admitted that he had been sexually abused by his own dad (an alcoholic). This marriage lasted 5 more years, but couldn't overcome this travesty. My fourth and final marriage was also to an alcoholic (are we seeing a pattern here? lol), but he was a dry drunk. He quit drinking when I met him (when I told him I wasn't going to date anymore drinkers or marry one. He has not drank to this day (seven years later), but that doesn't mean he is sober. The last marriage ended in the rubble and emotional dystruction that the 3rd marriage left behind. I still fight with this to this day, and probably will to some degree the rest of my life, it left such a scar. Any man that dates me for any length of time will soon see this.

I truly loved my 4th husband (the dry drunk), and we tried again after being divorced a year and a half. This did NOT go well. The trust had been eroded and my daughter did not respect the man, nor he her. I truly believe that no matter how much you might want to... you can't go back.
"Some people will never fit into your life, no matter how much you want them too."

I saw this quote on facebook, and realized how much anguish I had drug my daughter through by trying to make this fourth marriage work for 3 years, and then going back for another year and a half, after we'd been free from him for about the same length of time. The man was the step-dad from hell... didn't respect her, didn't encourage her, didn't understand her love for her dad (yes she knows), and terrorized her emotionally. Although, I now believe, he did not realize it was having this effect on her.

I used to have long hair (much like the girl in my profile pic). I recently had it all cut off, in a bob type cut. I think I did this intentionally... to set myself apart, make myself less attractive to the opposite sex (men like woman with long hair, I've been told) and to "mourn" my past... much like the men in the Bible tore their clothes and put on sackcloth and ashes... my soul was rendered and torn. I had an unspeakable desire to chop it off like the girl in the movie "Wild Hearts Can't Be Broken" http://youtu.be/VoMEQe7ISwU seen at the beginning of this clip.

Has it helped, you ask? Yes and no. It caused me great stress to see it fall to the floor when it was cut off... but it has "freed" me in a way that nothing else could. It was removing the old, and clearing the way for the new. It was symbolic, and it was final. Once the hair is cut, it can't be taken back. I can grow it back to the length that it was, but so often it never returns to it's previous state.
“What children experience more than repeat divorces is the repeated loss of new adult figures in their lives, sometimes significant ones,” says Dr. Robert E. Emery. “As their parents date and perhaps live with romantic partners after their first divorce, young children can quickly form attachments to these new figures in their lives. The loss can be wrenching when the romance breaks up. My…advice to single parents is: Go slow for your children, and probably for yourself, too.”

This passage is very concerning. I note in my own 14 year old daughter that she is very leary of relationships even at her age. While most other children her age are forming "attachments" to the opposite sex in the form of boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, my daugther stands apart. She has told me that she doesn't want to date until she is in college. While this may seem like a dream come true to some parents, I'm afraid that my daughter may be purposely avoiding relationships altogether, because of being afraid of being hurt. She has told me that my multiple marriages and relationships is what's caused her to be so leary.

In my daugther's lifetime I have been married to her dad, up until she was 5, then we spent a year by ourselves, which she still says is our best year. The following year I started dating a guy that turned out to be my 4th husband (she knows that I was married twice before her dad). This marriage also did not go well and ended after 3 years. After that marriage I got in a relationship with a very nice man that my daughter liked and approved of (she didn't like her step-dad, btw), but after 18 months of courtship, a 6 month engagement and 3 months of living together, I broke it off after I decided that I "didn't love him the way I needed to in order to marry him".

To this day, I don't know if I did the right thing about that last relationship, which ended a year ago. All I know is now not only is my daughter afraid of dating... so am I. I hope we both get over this at some point. I was hoping that starting this group would help me in sorting out my feelings by finding others with similar issues.

Discussion on Multiple Marriages

As a Christian I pondered the thought of "Multiple marriages" and posted this on a well known Christian dating site"
Posted: 20 Nov 2011, 12:02ameditreplyquote


There was an interesting discussion today in chat. IT was about people that had been married more than once, or possibly even multiple times. Reference was made to Divorce Care and how the first marriage had a 40% chance to fail and a second marriage jumped to something like 60% and by a third it was up to 90% chance to fail. I found these very depressing numbers, if in fact you were a Christian who were seeking a mate in these conditions.

I am a 49 year old female who has been through four failed marriages. I turned my life over to Christ at age 7, and although I obviously made some very poor choices in my life. Is this reason to give up? I have about lost hope, but I don't want to live the rest of my life alone either.

I married young the first time at age 19, not understanding alcoholism and that I was marrying someone with a drinking problem, but once married I did not want to get divorced. I stayed in that abusive marriage 4 and a half years before I decided that I'd rather live than get beaten to death.

Again, not understanding my own dysfunction, and draw to alcoholics, I married a second. This ex-husband claimed to be a Christian, but left me after a year and a half of marriage and divorced me (not my choice). After this second marriage to an alcoholic, I was introduced to Al-anon, a 12-step program for friends and families of alcoholics. I knew that after being married to two alcoholics, I'd better take a look at what "I" was doing.

My third husband of 12 years, and an adult child of an alcoholic father, I met at church. We attended 12-step meetings together and his dad joined AA. I thought us to be the perfect 12-step family, until our child was born and I found out that my father-in-law had sexually abused his son, my husband for his entire childhood. We all went through extensive counseling, but my husband and father-in-law did not want to go through the long-term counseling that I felt was needed for healing. I was not going to stay in a family that was going to bury their heads in the sand with something as serious as incest. During the divorce, I found that my daughter's dad also had a child porn problem. He has been on supervised visitation with his daughter since 2008.

I swore off men after that, for about a year. Based on the Divorce Care recommendations, I should have waited 3 years (1 year for every 4 years of marriage). I'm not sure that would have made a difference, but it might. Once again drawn to the charisma of the alcoholic, I married a fourth time. My 4th husband had turned his life over to God, and had given up the drink. I believe that I was still traumatized by my marriage to my daughter's dad and because of some pretty heavy anti-depressants that I was on at the time that I believed clouded my thinking, and possibly secondary PTSD from the 3rd marriage, I "perceived" my fourth and final husband to also be a threat and I divored him and filed an ex-parte on him. This was two years ago this August 25th. I have since made amends to husband #4 and he has forgiven me for my short-comings and we are now friends.

My question is this: as a Christian where do I go from here? I am well aware that I was not following God's plan for my life by marrying an alcoholic and non-believer the first time, but I was young and we all make mistakes. The second husband left me so I feel based on the passage about "if the non-believing spouse should leave, the beleiver is free to act" applies. I don't believe that God would have wanted me to stay in my 3rd marriage to a man who had a child porn addiction and was not getting help for it...although I did try to save that marriage for 5 years through counseling. My 4th husband was (and is) a Christian and although he does forgive me for what I put him through, I do not believe that he wishes to reconcile.

So where does this leave me? Do I just dedicate myself to the Lord and live the rest of my life as a single person... Just as Jesus told the woman who had been married 4 times and was living with a man who was not her husband, "to go and sin no more?" If so, I will leave this site and cease my search. I have prayed about this and asked God for guidance and I am not sure of his answer. So maybe he will guide me in your responses to this question....

I can't copy the responses, but would be interested in hearing some of your own....








Reconciliation

I will comment on my previous post about remarrying an ex-husband. My ex-husband of 3 years, who I've been divorced from for 2 years and I have been seeing each other during the past year. It has been a tumultuous relationship at best. I feel like I have spent the past 12 months trying to "convince" him that I will not cheat again. When in fact there was only one indiscretion when we were married and never an "affair". He also did his share of things "wrong" in the relationship: controlling, manipulation, emotional abuse and poor parenting techniques with my daughter, but still he wants to blame me for everything that went wrong in the relationship.


I feel like I'm repeating past mistakes and punishing myself, and I don't even know why. Perceived wrongs commited? False-Guilt? I don't know. But I am tired of playing what feels like a game. The game is over and this player puts down her pawn. To other's who may be considering re-marrying an ex-spouse... think twice. If you can "forgive and forget" then fine, but if your going to rehash old hurts, then don't. Unfortunately, sometimes we don't know what we're going to do until we do it.

Till next time....

Shalom.

Remarrying an ex-husband

The subject came up recently about re-marrying an ex-husband, and since I had been married 4 times, the smart-elic pastor said, "Well if you were to remarry, which husband would you remarry... #1, #2, #3, or #4? So I said this, isn't it not breaking the marriage vows of "to love and to cherish, to have and to hold in richer and poorer, in sickness and health, till death us do part" when the husband is physically abusing his wife? (so was the case in marriage #1)

As far as marriage #2 goes I quoted this verse to him: "But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. A brother or a sister is not under bondage is such cases; but God hath called us to peace." I Corinthians 7:15, because husband #2 had left me, (not to mention I think he had also been unfaithful) so in my mind I was allowed to depart and go in peace.
 
Then on the issue of husband #3, isn't it also fornification when a man is sexually unfaithful by viewing child pornography or pornography of any kind for that matter? Or so it says in I John 2:16, "the lust of the eyes" and Matthew 5:28 "But I say unto you, that whosoever looketh on a woman to lust after her hath commiteted adultery with her already in his heart."

So, I rest my case with the first 3 marriages, I said. But marriage number four was different. No fornification happened, no abuse (although my distorted mind thought so at the time, because I was suffering PTSD from living with husband #3 mental breakdowns and abuses to me because of his reoccuring flashbacks of his father's sexual abuse to him), possibly financial abandonment, which I've heard Larry Burkett address as an exceptable reason to divorce... but in any case, the only ex-husband that I thought I'd EVER reconsider re-marrying was ex-husband #4.

So this verse, I believe, applies to husband #4, because based on what I said above, I think husbands #1-3 are OUT! 

"And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from the husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried, or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife." I Corinthians 7:10-11

And another thought: if a person is a very sensual individual wouldn't it be best to re-marry than to stay single (as suggested in I Corinthians 7:2 "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband." 

So in any event, I'd like this communities input on this topic. What about remarriage? What do you believe the Bible says about it? I've given a few examples and Biblical quotes of my own. I'd like to hear your stories and your thoughts. Looking forward to hearing from you.





And for those who think that it is only a womans job to stay celebate, think on this verse: "Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? Shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them the members of an harlot? God forbid!" I Corinthians 6:15  Is not a harlot a woman, and who would be having sex then, with a harlot? Would it not be a man?

I started this Community to help Christians who have been married multiple times to cope with the guilt and shame that they (like I) might have acquired from poor decisions in the past or circumstances that have left them wounded from multiple marriages. I am 49 and have been married 4 times. I am now single and have been since August 25, 2009. Here is my story:

I have been a Christian since I was 7 and I was raised in a Christian home. My parents were married only to each other for 43 years. My grandparents (both sides) were married only once and stayed married till death did part. I am not the epitome of what most Christians think someone who has been married multiple times would be. I was not promiscuous as a teen. In fact, I did not loose my virginity until I was with my first fiance. I pray. I repent. I teach Sunday School and have always been active in church. So what happened to me you ask?

I wanted to be loved, I believe. Not that I wasn't loved by my parents, grandparents, church family, friends or God. I just for whatever reason felt like I wasn't 'someone' until 'somebody' loved me (isn't there a song that goes like that? lol) Anyway, after 4 marriages, I can now tell you I was wrong. I have been SOMEBODY all along. I am a Child of God, worthy of love and worthy of loving and any time I accept less from anyone, I'm demeaning God.

Often times well meaning individuals ask me, "did you love all 4 of them?" My answer is yes. God created us to love and he gave me a great capacity to love. The only problem was I didn't see that I should love Him first and the rest would follow. I now base my devotion to my God and my Savior on John 3:16, "For God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten Son that whosoever should believe in him should not perish, but have everlasting life."

Today, instead of looking for a 'man' to fulfill my life, I'm looking to the One Man who saved my life, Jesus Christ. Today, when I feel lost or alone in this world and like I need a 'mate' to make me whole, I just quote Isaiah 53:5, "For your Maker is your Husband, the Lord Almighty is his name. The Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, He is called the God of all the Earth."

I had fully intended to stay with my first husband my entire life. We married when I was 19 and he 20. We were married 4 and a half years. I do not know if he was a Christian or not. I know he asked Jesus to come into his life and asked for forgiveness of his sins, I witnessed that. However, he was an alcoholic and he was never able to break free from the bottle. He became very violent when he had been drinking and I experienced much physical abuse at his hands. I finally decided that 'enough was enough' and that I had to protect myself or die. So I filed for divorce and left.

I didn't understand at that time, that there was a caretaking aspect about me that seemed to draw addicts. I met my second husband at a bar when I was 24. You would have thought my first experience with an alcoholic would have clued me in, but it did not. This second man that would become my next husband also professed a faith in God and seemed very dedicated. He was a military man and was sent on a hardship tour to Korea in 1987 to maintain the borders. We became engaged prior to his departure, so after his tour of duty was up we married within 2 months. How he had changed during that year. He had started to drink alcoholically and became drunk on a regular basis. He (I found out later) was suffering from PTSD and changed what he called himself from his middle name, which his family had always called him, to his first name, which prior to Korea he never used. I started getting calls for this person "Steve" and I would say there isn't a "Steve" who lives here. Well, to make a long story shorter, it turned out that it was my husband "Stephen Scott" who always prior to this had gone by "Scott". I thought I could help him rediscover himself. I thought I could love him enough that he would change back into my "Scott" What a mistake! I was never able to help him. He left me after a year and a half of marriage.

Right on the heals of this marriage I met a guy from my church. He seemed like a gift from God. He did not drink (although his dad was an alcoholic) and he did not approve of drinking, because of what he'd endured as the child of an alcoholic. Little did I know at the time, to what extent this had damaged him. We dated for 4 months and then he got the call to go to Desert Storm (yes he was military too). He wanted to get engaged prior to leaving also, but I refused because of what I had just experienced in the previous marriage. But I did tell him that I would write him letters and encourage him. We kept this up the 5 months we were seperated and when he came back from the war we resumed our relationship. He (surprisingly) didn't come back with the same type of malady's as my 2nd husband, so I thought the war hadn't effected him. Again, I was wrong. However, the PTSD that this man suffered was (I found out 5 years into the marriage) a result of SEVERE physical, mental, psychological, sexual, and spiritual abuse at the hands of his alcoholic father. He also suffered from PTSD from the war, but it paled in comparision to the damage that was done by this man's alcoholic father.
 
The sexual abuse that he endured didn't come to the surface until our daughter was 14 months old. We had marital problems prior to that, but nothing that compared to the surfacing of the family incest secret. My 3rd husband and the father of my child was also a devout Christian and gifted singer of gospel music. We worked through family counseling and individual counseling for 5 years to save this marriage. I even did a year of legal seperation before finally divorcing him just shy of our 12th anniversary. This was probably the most devestating marriage as after the divorce I was made aware that he had succumbed himself to child porn and had to be put on supervised visitation with our daughter for the rest of her childhood. His parents have no contact with her to this day.

I would have nothing to do with men for a year after that divorce. Men sickened me. A young cowboy (a year and a half younger than me) came to my door one day and wanted to know if I would allow him to train one of my boarder's horses, on the boarder's request. (I owned a family owned farm, inherited by my dad) I could smell the beer on his breath and told him in no uncertain terms NO. Fast forward one year and a few months. A horse falls on me and breaks my shoulder. My elderly mother is living with us and my daughter is now 8 years old and very angry at life. Re-enter's cowboy (literally his nickname!) to help, and this time I comply out of despiration (besides he was a cute Robert Redford look-a-like!). He helped re-establish my farm. He helped with disaplining my daugher and gave her a father figure. He helped me with my mom. He had quite drinking and was 'searching' for answers. During the year we dated he accepted Christ, was baptized and joined the church. Now, very much in love with the man, we married.

I was obviously not aware at this time that I was suffering my own version of PTSD from the experience of living with the 3rd ex-husband. I reacted out of fear to almost everything that husband #4 did. Granted, he did have some dry drunk symptoms (google that one, it is an actual condition) but my mind was so full of despair that I could not see he was recovering with the help of God. We divorced after 3 years of marriage in August of 2009. It took me a year and a half for the fog to finally clear and for me to see the reality of what REALLY happened in that last marriage.

Today I am still single. I made amends to my 4th husband in January of this year. We are still in love, but the damage has been done. I don't know if we will ever be able to repair it, but I know with Christ all things are possible. We are taking it One Day at a Time. The thing that impressed me most about this last husband was that he didn't rely on me once I left, not that it wasn't hard on him that I walked away, he said, but he continued to trust in God and pray. He continued to go to church and grow spiritually. He remained sober. I was not responsible in any way shape or form for this, so I couldn't get it in my head that "I" had done this. It was clear to me FINALLY that only GOD can save a person.

So now I share my story to help other Christians who have suffered from multiple marriages. I know first hand how judgemental some people can be who have never found themselves in a position to have to get a divorce, much less 4 times! Many Christians (and even one pastor) have told me that I am not what I should be, nor have I ever been. For a very long time I believed this, and felt that I wasn't worth saving. I do not believe this today. I am worth saving. I am a good person. God doesn't make junk. So today, I quote the 6th verse of Isaiah 53, "The Lord will call you back, as if you were a wife deserted and distressed in spirit - a wife who married young, only to be rejected, says your God." This verse gives me hope, because this verse IS me. I was deserted and distressed in spirit. I married young and was rejected. But this tells me that the Lord has called me back. He has called me back for a purpose and maybe, just maybe, that purpose is to help some of you, while in turn helping myself.

God Bless You.